Here are a few reasons why:
Becuase of the rule of first paychecks, Bob had some money to spend on whatever he wanted to. No thoughts of rent, school supplies, or taxes here. He decided to take myself and the girls out to dinner with some of it, even though he had already eaten, so it really was just for us.
A while back Bob and I got new phones. I made a bad decision, ended up with a phone I didn't like, and lost the chance to exchange it. So, he traded me for his phone, which is the phone I wanted in the first place.
He cooks dinner and makes lunches almost every night.
He makes me rest and does my chores for me when I am too worn out.
There are more, lots and lots more. Thanks for being the best husband ever Bobby.
Jul 27, 2006
Validation
Last night Alex was talking to a friend she was inviting to spend the night, and she said, "my parents said it would be okay if..." Bob and I both smiled at that. It's nice to hear that she thinks of me as a parent and realizes that Bob and I are a team.
I remembered recently something that I think Gary (it might have been Lauren) said before Bob and I were married. He said that the girls would have to be the ones that decide the level of the emotional/affectionate/nurturing part of the relationship. Obviously they don't have a choice as to whether they have to listen to me and whether I have a say in things, but it's up to them whether they give me hugs, want to sit around and talk, say "I love you," and all of that.
And that is really hard. Zarah particularly seems to pull away from that at times, she is the less affectionate of the two anyway, and is sometimes a little distant in that regard. She's not bad or mean to me at all, just not loving. And I have to be okay with that. I have to keep being everything a parent needs to be to a kid, including being loving to her, even when she's not. All parents, step or not, have to, but it's harder when that natural parent/kid thing isn't there. I don't get as much of the reward and validation that most parents get from parenting. But I'm learning to do it anyway because I can, I want to, and I made a committment to, and I'm also learning how to take greater joy in the small things, like Alex saying "parents."
I remembered recently something that I think Gary (it might have been Lauren) said before Bob and I were married. He said that the girls would have to be the ones that decide the level of the emotional/affectionate/nurturing part of the relationship. Obviously they don't have a choice as to whether they have to listen to me and whether I have a say in things, but it's up to them whether they give me hugs, want to sit around and talk, say "I love you," and all of that.
And that is really hard. Zarah particularly seems to pull away from that at times, she is the less affectionate of the two anyway, and is sometimes a little distant in that regard. She's not bad or mean to me at all, just not loving. And I have to be okay with that. I have to keep being everything a parent needs to be to a kid, including being loving to her, even when she's not. All parents, step or not, have to, but it's harder when that natural parent/kid thing isn't there. I don't get as much of the reward and validation that most parents get from parenting. But I'm learning to do it anyway because I can, I want to, and I made a committment to, and I'm also learning how to take greater joy in the small things, like Alex saying "parents."
Jul 26, 2006
choir
I am very excited and nervous for choir tonight. I hope the parents don't think I'm stupid and the kids want to come back. I also hope I can think of a good game for tonight in the next two hours. Mandy, I really need that cd!
Jul 25, 2006
baseball and racism
Seattle was a lot of fun, except for the nasty sunburn I have on my shoulders, back, chest, and knees. Ouch. The Sox lost both games we saw, which was dissapointing, but Sunday's game was at least very excited.
I've heard from two people now that they've heard some white person use the n-word in normal, every day life, to address or discuss a black person. What is happening!? How could people treat other people with such disrespect? Bah.
And speaking of racism, Alex and Zarah are really funny. But not racist.
I've heard from two people now that they've heard some white person use the n-word in normal, every day life, to address or discuss a black person. What is happening!? How could people treat other people with such disrespect? Bah.
And speaking of racism, Alex and Zarah are really funny. But not racist.
Jul 21, 2006
still
I am still sick, but on my way to getting better I think. I will have to miss out on seeing Bob sing karaoke, which is unfortunate. I bet you didn't know that he can sing well. He keeps it a secret, I think it's actually a super power and I just revealed his secret identity. Oops.
But if you want to either: go sing karaoke with Janaki and Bob or come over to my house and make me hot and salty foods, and entertain me while I sniffle, I'm sure you'd be welcome.
But if you want to either: go sing karaoke with Janaki and Bob or come over to my house and make me hot and salty foods, and entertain me while I sniffle, I'm sure you'd be welcome.
Jul 20, 2006
whine
I am still sick. My throat is better but my head hurts worse, the stuffy nose is worse enough that I can't quite hear right, and I really can't think very well. No rock show for me tonight. I won't even have my sweet husband to dote on me and comfort me, he's going to some comedy thing with his brother. It's not like I'm unable to care for myself, I think he's just spoiled me with being so nice all the time.
Sigh. I better get well before the Red Sox games.
Sigh. I better get well before the Red Sox games.
Jul 19, 2006
sick
Today I have a cold and Janaki is sick too, so we had to cancel choir tonight. I'm really sad about it, we've only had one rehearsal so far. I'm having a really hard time focusing at work, my brain feels like mud and I'm in a lot of pain. I'm supposed to go to a show tomorrow, but I won't be able to if I still feel like this. I just want to see Super XX Man so bad!
Jul 17, 2006
sigh....
So, here I am with the promised time to myself and I don't feel relaxed at all. I feel lonely and boring. Drat.
meltdown. and a poop song
I lost it a little bit on Saturday. Okay. I lost it a lot. I had this awful feeling that I was not a good enough wife or step-mom, that I was never going to be good enough, that I should just leave because I wasn't doing anyone any good, all of that, and lots of sobbing. But my amazing husband held me, and talked to me, and then made me take a nap while he did my chores and promised me a day off. (Tonight! Anyone want to take me out so I don't end up cleaning the house while I'm supposed to be resting?)
Yesterday, despite being subjected to Erik Knox preaching at my church, was a much better day. We all had fun, the house got clean with no bad attitudes, we played a great card game called garbage, had delicoius enchiladas for dinner... but the height of the day was Zarah's poop song. She was singing ridiculously loud in the bathroom, and I couldn't really hear what it was about. I asked her later if she had been singing about pooping, since it sounded like that to me. She said, "no, but that's a really good idea" and proceeded to make up a song about going number 2. In detail. It was disgusting, but I was laughing so hard I almost threw up.
Yesterday, despite being subjected to Erik Knox preaching at my church, was a much better day. We all had fun, the house got clean with no bad attitudes, we played a great card game called garbage, had delicoius enchiladas for dinner... but the height of the day was Zarah's poop song. She was singing ridiculously loud in the bathroom, and I couldn't really hear what it was about. I asked her later if she had been singing about pooping, since it sounded like that to me. She said, "no, but that's a really good idea" and proceeded to make up a song about going number 2. In detail. It was disgusting, but I was laughing so hard I almost threw up.
Jul 14, 2006
Tonight
TONIGHT, 10pm
at the fabulous (and most likely now non-smoking) Acme
Janaki Dechand
will play her incredilbe new songs
A band from Ireland
whose name I forgot and music I've never heard,
but they're friends, and they'll have accents!
Online Romance
Again, never heard them, but with a lead singer
with the name Jack Saturn, you can't go wrong
I apologize for the late notice, but if you want to hear Janaki and these other fun folks, come to the Acme and drink a few delicious drinks.
at the fabulous (and most likely now non-smoking) Acme
Janaki Dechand
will play her incredilbe new songs
A band from Ireland
whose name I forgot and music I've never heard,
but they're friends, and they'll have accents!
Online Romance
Again, never heard them, but with a lead singer
with the name Jack Saturn, you can't go wrong
I apologize for the late notice, but if you want to hear Janaki and these other fun folks, come to the Acme and drink a few delicious drinks.
Jul 12, 2006
awkward moments
Well, I had "the talk" with the girls last night. Boy was that ever awkward. If you ever have 12 year old step kids, just pray they never ask "did you and dad do it on your honeymoon?" How the HECK am I supposed to respond to that!? I told them that was something I wasn't going to talk about. Yikes.
Most of the conversation wasn't that bad. Mostly we just talked about what they think about everything, what their friends think (some of their friends are planning on losing their virginity by 7th grade, according to the girls), I told them what their dad and I believe about it all, and why, a few embarassing questions, like the one above, they asked what we would do if they ever did sleep with someone, and if they got pregnant, and then their dad came home. Oh, and all through this, Alex was doubled up on the bed in wrenching stomach pains. Not the setting I would have chosen for the topic, but it came up, and you know... teachable moments and all that.
Whew. Glad that's done for now, hopefully there won't be need to talk about that again for a long while.
Most of the conversation wasn't that bad. Mostly we just talked about what they think about everything, what their friends think (some of their friends are planning on losing their virginity by 7th grade, according to the girls), I told them what their dad and I believe about it all, and why, a few embarassing questions, like the one above, they asked what we would do if they ever did sleep with someone, and if they got pregnant, and then their dad came home. Oh, and all through this, Alex was doubled up on the bed in wrenching stomach pains. Not the setting I would have chosen for the topic, but it came up, and you know... teachable moments and all that.
Whew. Glad that's done for now, hopefully there won't be need to talk about that again for a long while.
Jul 11, 2006
Jul 7, 2006
animal planet
I can't stop dreaming about animals.
First there was the dream with the imaginary and then cartoon horses, then the swamp monster with a snail and a turtle, then the night before last I had a dream that I was flying around a zoo when it was closed and a zoo keeper was showing some people birds, but I didn't get to go close to them because one tried to bite a person, but a white tiger did come up to me and cuddle. Last night I had a dream about taking a boat to a little island and needing scare away the monkeys that were hanging out, and there was a little bear that dressed up like a panda that was helping us scare away the monkeys.
What could three white imaginary/cartoon horses, a kind swamp monster, a snail, a turtle in a ziploc bag, an attacking bird, a cuddly white tiger, monkeys, and a small bear dressed like a panda all be doing in my dreams four nights in a row?
First there was the dream with the imaginary and then cartoon horses, then the swamp monster with a snail and a turtle, then the night before last I had a dream that I was flying around a zoo when it was closed and a zoo keeper was showing some people birds, but I didn't get to go close to them because one tried to bite a person, but a white tiger did come up to me and cuddle. Last night I had a dream about taking a boat to a little island and needing scare away the monkeys that were hanging out, and there was a little bear that dressed up like a panda that was helping us scare away the monkeys.
What could three white imaginary/cartoon horses, a kind swamp monster, a snail, a turtle in a ziploc bag, an attacking bird, a cuddly white tiger, monkeys, and a small bear dressed like a panda all be doing in my dreams four nights in a row?
Jul 5, 2006
cartoon horses, swamp monsters, and flying wtih turtles
My dreams for the past two nights have been absolutley insane. Because I am so amused by them, I will share with you, in case it amuses you too.
Dream 1
Cherise, Bob and I were together somewhere, and Cherise told me she wanted to show me this very wealthy person's huge house. I was in pajamas, and felt uncomfortable in them, but I went anyway. We were in a normal neighborhood, but somehow there also happened to be secret paths through fields of tall, dead grass going from house to house. I felt really awkward, going by peopele's windows, not wearing real clothes, and not knowing where we were going. We never made it to house Cherise wanted to show me because we ended up at the Fishers. Once there, Laura wanted us to stay the night, and Cherise said okay, but I said I had to get back to change into real clothes and see mu husband. So I was going to leave, but it was raining and I didn't know the way back. Eventually Cherise decided to go with me, and we ran into Bob out in the secret field paths.
We continued on, and suddenly Cherise was gone, I was fully dressed (phew!) and Bob and I were with a bunch of kids and some other adults. One kid was insane and thought he had three white horses with him, and that he was riding one. The dream shifted from what the world would look like from my perspective if his delusions were real and the way they really were. He rode back to the group, and every one else saw him standing on a bench, as if he were on a horse. Then, suddenly, I saw three cartoon horses leaning on a banister above the boy with legs folded, looking down at us. Then it was over.
Dream 2
I was in a swamp with a long, huge, brown, slimy, lumpy monster that was trying to teach me how to protect animals from harm. It was setting animals out in the swamp and then trying to take them from me, and I failed to protect them every single time. The monster didn't hurt them, but was showing me that they would all be dead if I failed to protect them. I knew this was going on when the dream started with a snail floating on top of the swamp muck, and the swamp monster sunk part of it's long, disgusting mass into the swamp and pulled the snail under and away from me. When it retreated with the snail, it sucked up the slime off the water, leaving one long streak of clean water in the midst of the brown/green slime of the swamp. After that, I was supposed to protect a turtle, and was freaking out because every animal was being lost to the monster (though not hurt). But this time I picked up the turtle and put him in a ziploc bag, with the top open, and flew out the swamp.
I knew I had to get the turtle to a safe place, so I flew and flew, away from England, where I happened to be, and to some Californian city. I was in a dingy shop area, and was looking at some jeans I was considering buying. There was a man there who closed up the shop and said the employee and I couldn't leave until tomorrow, because the store was closed. I had to get out though, because I was being followed by someone who did want to hurt the turtle. So I flew up to a window and opened it, setting off an alarm, and causing the man to follow me as well as the people from England.
From there on I was flying across America, stopping at farms, trying to find someone to take care of this turtle and to start a turtle sanctuary to take care of other turtles. But no one would do it, so I kept flying and flying all night long. I stopped at a bar in a place called Charing Cross (which must be in England in real life, since it's in many Sherlock stories) but the farmers there were too drunk to listen to me. So I flew out and happily caught a trade wind and flew across many states really quickly. I remeber checking on the turlte in the bag frequently, pulling the plastic off his little nose and mouth repeatedly, and knowing that he would die if I didn't find him a place soon.
I stopped eventually, tried unsuccessfuly to get some farmers involved, and ended up at an alternative correctional facility where inmates were caring for seagulls in the way I wanted someone to take care of the turtle, and talked to the person in charge about my turtle. I was concerned that when new people came in they would freak out at first and hurt the animals before they could learn to be responsible for them and to participate in animal therapy, but thought it might be worth it so that the prisoners could have more animals and more chance of getting better. Then it ended. I never made a decision.
So... that is my dream world as of late. I'm not sure what is up with all of that, the dreams are so vivid, I still remember tiny details about both of them. At least they are not nightmares though.
Dream 1
Cherise, Bob and I were together somewhere, and Cherise told me she wanted to show me this very wealthy person's huge house. I was in pajamas, and felt uncomfortable in them, but I went anyway. We were in a normal neighborhood, but somehow there also happened to be secret paths through fields of tall, dead grass going from house to house. I felt really awkward, going by peopele's windows, not wearing real clothes, and not knowing where we were going. We never made it to house Cherise wanted to show me because we ended up at the Fishers. Once there, Laura wanted us to stay the night, and Cherise said okay, but I said I had to get back to change into real clothes and see mu husband. So I was going to leave, but it was raining and I didn't know the way back. Eventually Cherise decided to go with me, and we ran into Bob out in the secret field paths.
We continued on, and suddenly Cherise was gone, I was fully dressed (phew!) and Bob and I were with a bunch of kids and some other adults. One kid was insane and thought he had three white horses with him, and that he was riding one. The dream shifted from what the world would look like from my perspective if his delusions were real and the way they really were. He rode back to the group, and every one else saw him standing on a bench, as if he were on a horse. Then, suddenly, I saw three cartoon horses leaning on a banister above the boy with legs folded, looking down at us. Then it was over.
Dream 2
I was in a swamp with a long, huge, brown, slimy, lumpy monster that was trying to teach me how to protect animals from harm. It was setting animals out in the swamp and then trying to take them from me, and I failed to protect them every single time. The monster didn't hurt them, but was showing me that they would all be dead if I failed to protect them. I knew this was going on when the dream started with a snail floating on top of the swamp muck, and the swamp monster sunk part of it's long, disgusting mass into the swamp and pulled the snail under and away from me. When it retreated with the snail, it sucked up the slime off the water, leaving one long streak of clean water in the midst of the brown/green slime of the swamp. After that, I was supposed to protect a turtle, and was freaking out because every animal was being lost to the monster (though not hurt). But this time I picked up the turtle and put him in a ziploc bag, with the top open, and flew out the swamp.
I knew I had to get the turtle to a safe place, so I flew and flew, away from England, where I happened to be, and to some Californian city. I was in a dingy shop area, and was looking at some jeans I was considering buying. There was a man there who closed up the shop and said the employee and I couldn't leave until tomorrow, because the store was closed. I had to get out though, because I was being followed by someone who did want to hurt the turtle. So I flew up to a window and opened it, setting off an alarm, and causing the man to follow me as well as the people from England.
From there on I was flying across America, stopping at farms, trying to find someone to take care of this turtle and to start a turtle sanctuary to take care of other turtles. But no one would do it, so I kept flying and flying all night long. I stopped at a bar in a place called Charing Cross (which must be in England in real life, since it's in many Sherlock stories) but the farmers there were too drunk to listen to me. So I flew out and happily caught a trade wind and flew across many states really quickly. I remeber checking on the turlte in the bag frequently, pulling the plastic off his little nose and mouth repeatedly, and knowing that he would die if I didn't find him a place soon.
I stopped eventually, tried unsuccessfuly to get some farmers involved, and ended up at an alternative correctional facility where inmates were caring for seagulls in the way I wanted someone to take care of the turtle, and talked to the person in charge about my turtle. I was concerned that when new people came in they would freak out at first and hurt the animals before they could learn to be responsible for them and to participate in animal therapy, but thought it might be worth it so that the prisoners could have more animals and more chance of getting better. Then it ended. I never made a decision.
So... that is my dream world as of late. I'm not sure what is up with all of that, the dreams are so vivid, I still remember tiny details about both of them. At least they are not nightmares though.
Jul 3, 2006
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